Loving You is Letting You
We should talk about the effect of social media sensationalizing suicide, bloggers insensitively writing catchy headlines for click-baiting but that really is a topic for another day. I read a heartbreaking suicide note that in many ways resonated with me and reflected my state of mind. I have since reading it, pondered on the words therein. One particular phrase struck me, but I will leave it for much later and while I am confident that no matter what life throws at me, I will stick through, true till my natural end. I love myself, I love girls, I love people, I love love, I love life, I love living too much to quit by my own hands. That notwithstanding, I do not castigate people who may have concluded that they were at the end of their roads/journeys or felt they had no other choice than to take their own lives. Some say it is cowardice, some say it is bravery. To me it is neither. It is easier to imagine yourself swimming across sea than to actually swim. The vastness of the sea of life surrounds you, swirls around you and intimidates you so much that you may think swimming at all is pointless. Your limbs give in and you just let yourself go.
Over the course of time, I have asked a handful of people to tell me how they were and almost as if rehearsed, they said fine, okay. This time, I got personal and pleaded that they told me honestly how they were? Of a truth, it seems like a normal reaction; to hold it all in, to be strong, to be independent and in many cases, to hide our vulnerabilities and insecurities. It is no wonder the street is agog with colorful clowned faces, every man a different shade of happy in spite of the darkness we all carry around. To show your hands is regarded weakness in many climes. To show that you care, that you are in love, that you cannot live without ‘them’, that you are soft and empathetic, that you are needy of love, attention and aid, that you are on a brink and you need saving or that you feel inadequate, like you are not enough.
Yes, that is the one. The phrase that stuck with me. Lately, I have been feeling like I am not enough, like I am inadequate and underutilized. I have sought attention like a baby. I have coerced and compelled in a bid to avoid being alone. Like anxiety, frustration, grief, heartbreak and loss, it is a feeling that overwhelms you too. The void that feels like nothing can fill it. The uncertainty and doubt and the tendencies to self-sabotage. This feeling is a firsthand account mirrored through the final words of a suicide victim. Seeing as relatable and relevant that phrase was to my current situation, I realized that the feeling of inadequacy is just as relevant to me as it is to you reading this with the little voice in your head and nodding in agreement. To this end, it is pertinent to address this once and for all, before another bird drops dead or another fish drowns in the sea.
One other thing I found in common with the deceased victim was that he loved himself too. There is no preset way to love, we all love differently. Some love themselves enough to want to persist, others, enough to remove self from unsavory situations. He loved himself enough to seek his own version of peace. I however have realized that, to love oneself is to let oneself. I didn’t quite understand this initially. Wired the way of society, I had become a mass of organs, tissues and rock. I had conditioned myself to never let my true feelings show. To fight back the tears, to smile through the pain, to be the funniest person in the room, to take on the cases of others in a bid to distract myself from whatever storms rocking my boat. I had become hardwired with falsities and facades that it had become like a second face and I had almost forgotten what my real face looked like.
Nothing prepares you for reality and while you hibernate, nursing your wounds, life sucker punches you, right in the face and it seems like there is no taking a break from life.
At some point, I realized feigned strength doesn’t affect the outcomes of life issues. When the hammer of reality comes down, it doesn’t discriminate the weak from the seemingly strong. It cuts right down, right through all in its path and absolutely no one is immune to it. The more tragic thing is, while I feigned strength, hid my tears, guised my vulnerabilities, I expend so much of my energy that when life happens again, I have nothing in reserve to fight back. What’s worse, I had not only lied to everyone who cared to notice that I was going through something or when somethings went through me. I had not only lied to those who noticed I was offline; socially, emotionally and mentally, but to the one person I shouldn’t have lied to while trying to internalize my pain; myself. I knew I couldn’t afford to lie to myself and even at the risk of appearing weak, frail and little, I committed to the truth. I committed to showing my hands, to speaking up, to asking, to telling, to expressing, to crying when I am overwhelmed, to seeking help and letting myself get helped. To being honest about my feelings even at the risk of being rejected. I realized being opulent with my feelings is strength as opposed to the faulty perception of expressiveness as weakness. Onward and forward, I am intent on being honest about it all, loving myself and letting myself.
Life happens in phases. Phases you can neither avoid nor affect. To love yourself is to let yourself through the life processes, to let yourself fail and learn from your failures. To let yourself love and be loved, to let yourself try again. To let your vulnerabilities show and to let yourself be saved. To let time heal your wounds, to let time and the people that care help take your pain away. To let people in, to let yourself grow. To let your light shine, to let your voice be heard. To let the light in, to let your heart capacitate love and light. To let your story be heard. To let your seeds thrive and to let yourself win. I think you do enough if efforts were a measure of success. Time happens to harvest and growth and the seeds you have sown and watered will grow if you give it time. Let patience steady your boats, let faith take you there. You can win, you are winning.
