GRATITUDE
In my quest to demystify depression, I found myself gravitating towards it. When a man focuses on what is far ahead, he finds himself tripping and falling into pits and puddles just ahead. Growing up, I always wondered why the torchbearers wallow the most in darkness. I have seen preachers of the truth in scandals, freedom fighters in prison, jesters in sorrow and despair and funnily, NEPA (electricity workers) in blackouts (lol).
The past weeks saw my blood pressure shoot up. I have always argued that a high blood pressure is a lifestyle ailment. I was right. A good percentage of youths carry around the weight of the world on their shoulder, and in their hearts and even as we smile through the pain and attempt the expected exuberance of a youth, the weight is ceaselessly crushing.
I was under the weight of something that was there but wasn’t really there. I just couldn’t function. I couldn’t write, I couldn’t process complete thoughts, I was bereft of spirit, of motivation and figuratively, life. I was extremely lethargic and I couldn’t feel my limbs. I found myself spending all of my time in bed. I hardly ate and when I did, I was Loki, devouring until my belly hurts and I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t exercise and as short as the distance between my bedroom and basic chores were, I felt like everything was work. My place was symbolic of my mind. Everything was out of place and I walked around the labyrinths of heaps of dirty laundry, misplaced items and the stench of my failures.
You see, I out myself, putting my life on the slabs. Dissecting my life, cutting through and into everything, even the ones that hurt and the ones I haven’t completely healed from because- my account is a testimonial, a firsthand account of the dynamics of life, of a man falling and standing, of a man persisting through the lows and highs, steadying his ship through the chaotic upheavals of life. Most interesting is the unfolding of the stories of a man in his early youth, just like you. Intriguing and relatable right?
7 years down the line, after a gruesome 7 years in the university. The arduous M.Sc. that seemed like getting circumcised at an old age and in spite, unemployed and struggling. This fate I share with many youths. Unemployed, underemployed, unfulfilled, unhappy and unstable. Sometimes I wonder where I would be without writing.
Honestly, it is impossible to reflect on life, on your failures and shortfalls, on your dashed hopes, unfulfilled dreams and untapped-underutilized potentials without phasing out of light to linger in the seduction of darkness. Top that with the uncertainties in the world, a barrage of scourges plaguing life ceaselessly, insecurity and the hanging sword that makes life expectancy a mirage.
At 160/120 mmHg, I had feats. Panging headaches, dizziness, lethargy, loss of appetite and an overwhelming sadness. It was difficult to shake. I felt a pull on my heart and tightness in my chest and shoulders. I knew I could at any point in time drop dead. It was bizarre to think what my autopsy or obituary could read. “30 years old man dies of cardiac arrest or heart attack”. That would be crazy, especially since I only clocked 30 just a moment ago. But I wouldn’t be the first.
A staggering 32% of global deaths is caused by heart related diseases and 1 out of every 5 deaths from heart related complications are patients under 40 years. (Having a heart attack in your 20s or 30s is commonplace these days).
Somewhere in all of that, I sat beside myself, scrambling for what I felt I needed; a lot of rest, plenty of water and to take my mind away, off of the hassles and bills that strung a noose around my neck and was snuffing the light out of me and from the memorials of broken dreams and murdered hopes. Somewhere in all of that, it struck me, I had the answers all along and I think in my usual bare it all, lay it out there, truth be told way, I may have let it out, a little too soon.
The life issues that lays ambush on our perfect life are mostly self-conceived. Conjured out of desires of things to be and things to come. I realized, when I said –“when a man focuses on what is far ahead, he finds himself tripping and falling into pits and puddles just ahead”.
To think that I was wallowing now in something that threatened my existence over things that may never happen if I ceased to exist any moment now. I realized a lot of my woes was conceived of my unbridled ambitions and desires, of the things I wanted while underscoring the things that I had. I realized there would always be things I would strain and stretch and wouldn’t get, but there are also things that practically fall on my laps. I realized, there would always be nightmares, but there are also parts of my dream that is colorful and bright and alive. There were things I had, things I wasn’t particularly grateful for. With my focus on what was ahead, I let myself drift into the gaping mouth of darkness.
Recall that “sometimes I wondered where I would be without writing”, but before that was my life, my sanity, my space on God’s earth, appreciable peace, I was lucky enough to have shelter, warmth, food and the love all around me. I wouldn’t be medicating my heart if I had given myself to gratitude, to appreciating the things I had, my ability to make a living out of words while other struggled and toiled to get by. And for those like myself, the ones that struggle should be grateful there is a world big enough to struggle in, for peace however relative, for food in spite of inflation and scarcity, love in spite of the vileness of the world.
There is something to be grateful for and about even in your lowest. No matter how hard you look, you cannot see in the dark. The longer you stay, the darker it gets. Gratitude is the light with which we see in the dark. Gratitude is healthy, health is wealth and the truth, the only truth with which I live I am intent to live going forward is in gratitude in the promise of sound health and the wealth that comes.
